It Takes a Village

Splish splash in the tub!

Physical Therapy for a Child with Disabilites

This week, Lily has started wearing "Big Girl Shoes". And while her progress is slow, it is still so very exciting! There are so many things she can do now and her personality is blossoming.  She has quite a temper and doesn't mind letting you know when she is unhappy.  Not only will she tell you "no", but she will also tell you to "stop".  And her favorite people to boss around are her physical therapists.

Twice a week Lily has physical therapy.  Her therapist works with her at the day care facility she attends and in our home. This can be quite a scheduling mess as my husband and I try to fit in the activities of our other two children, church, work, doctor appointments, community responsibilities, and time for ourselves.  But our physical therapist is wonderful about working with us and accommodating our extremely hectic schedule.  And with this many visits, it is easy to see how Lily is able to easily recognize the face and voice of her therapist.  Sometimes Lily reacts to her with excitement and playfulness, while other times she reacts with anger and frustration.  Unfortunately, the physical therapist is used to these reactions from all her patients because she is tasked with the responsibility of forcing the children to do what is not natural or comfortable for them.  And Lily is no different.  Because of muscle weakness, Lily has an extremely hard time using her lower body and left hand.  She is easily tired and frustrated, often crying out in anger and pain.  But her physical therapist continues to push Lily and us.  She encourages us to continue to fight the weakness and the exhaustion and the frustration.  Lily not only needs her loving family in her corner, cheering her on, but she also needs the therapist, challenging her abilities.  The physical therapist has shown me the intricate, tender art of tough-love for the special needs child.

Lily playing with her Daddy!

In addition to a physical therapist, Miss Lily Pad also requires a developmental therapist.  While the physical therapist works on Lily's muscular movement, strength, and endurance, the developmental therapist works on Lily's developmental milestones such as verbal skills, fine motor skills, language recognition, and cognitive learning.  The developmental therapist visits us once a week.  Again, this is in addition to the physical therapist and other doctor appointments Lily requires.  This, of course, adds to our busy weekly agenda, but the developmental therapist is excellent about working with our family and remaining flexible in scheduling.  And Lily recognizes the face and voice of this therapist as well, however Lily does a lot less crying during these therapy sessions.  During this time, we get to focus on the therapeutic benefits of creative play.  My husband, myself, Lily, the therapist, and sometimes our other two children get in the floor together and just play, laugh, and be silly while teaching Lily Pad.  The developmental therapist has taught me that a special needs child needs LOTS of silliness and play.

In any given week, Lily may have from one to three doctor appointments.  There are weeks when we have none, which is nice because it used to be a weekly event.  She is currently being seen by an optometrist, a pediatrician, a neurologist, a dentist, and a physical therapy evaluator.  Recently, we have dropped the hematologist from the cast because Lily has not had another stroke.  All of these physicians work in concert to provide Lily with the attention and care she requires.  And it is comforting to have loving, knowledgeable, and understanding doctors looking out for Lily.  These physicians have taught me how individual professionals can harmonize with others to bring total care for the special needs child.

During the day, Lily attends a daycare that advocates for the special needs child.  Lily is still in the infant room at her daycare because she cannot walk and because of her other physical needs.  And the daycare providers have never pressured me into advancing Lily to an older class for which she was not yet prepared.  They have been more than accommodating in allowing the physical therapist and other supporting staff to visit Lily at the daycare.  The caretakers in Lily's class have also undergone training by the physical therapist in handling, teaching, supporting, and challenging Lily.   In addition, they have helped to alleviate some of the financial burden that comes with raising a special needs child by never charging us a higher fee for her specialized care and even giving us fee forgiveness when Lily was hospitalized and recovering from her shunt surgeries.  This group even raised money to help our family.  They love Lily and spoil her and treat her the way I would treat her.  These caretakers have taught me about mercy and kindness, both which are greatly needed by the special needs child.

I guess what I am mainly reflecting on this evening is how one child can bring together an array of individuals from various backgrounds, education levels, and talents.  Each individual has a detailed role in Lily's development while also playing an integral role in the team effort approach to her care.  Raising a special needs child not only requires loving parents but it also requires a village of professionals to nurture the growth of our sweet Lily Pad. 

Tell me you love me

Lily is now doing something new.  She is talking her lips off!!! She is absolutely loving the talking thing.  She says "mama", "dada", "stop", "go", and "dog".  We are so super excited about this wonderful new boost in her language development.  And I am slowly learning something new about infant development; babies do not naturally develop in a consistent incline. 

In fact, their development is often staggered and out of order.  For example, over the past three months we have seen Lily make huge strides in her gross and fine motor skills.  Suddenly, she is able to crawl over obstacles, up the stairs, pull up on the furniture, and take a few steps with help.  However, we have seen very little language development.  And I have been extremely concerned about her inability to communicate with us.  The therapists and doctors have told us not to be concerned, that she would eventually catch up. 

So, in true over-achiever fashion, I have been talking Lily's ear off!  I am constantly pointing and naming things, faces, pictures, actions,
animals, you name it!  Perhaps she has not done much talking up until now because her mom has been talking for her.  Whatever the reason for this sudden boost, I am thankful.

 On the other side of this coin is big sister Lorelei who has recently discovered the wonderful world of the telephone call.  She will make a bag of popcorn and then spend hours on the phone with her other third grade friends, friends she had just seen a few hours ago at school!  I remember when Lorelei was a baby and it seems they grow up too fast.  In the blink of an eye they are nine years old, talking on the phone with their girlfriends.  Or, they are sixteen, heading out in the family car by themselves for the first time.  And someday, some unfortunate day, they will be grown and gone.  How I dread those days! 

And one day Lily Pad will call her friends on the phone and tell me "no" and ask for a cell phone.  Although I do not wish for her to grow up, I do pray for the day she will be able to tell me she loves me.

Appreciate the Mess

Big sister dressed me up as a princess!

Even though Lily's situation started out very serious and negative, she is a blossoming 15 and a half month old today!  She has finally learned to crawl which was accomplished with great effort and many hours with her physical therapist.  I was quite worried that she might not ever be able to use her muscles in a coordinated way because of the neurological damage. 

When we started the process of teaching her how to crawl we noticed she had a lot of muscle weakness on the left side of her body and that her torso muscles in general were weak.  So, various exercises were given to us as homework.  My husband and I used every available moment helping Lily build strength.  Ah, how I fondly remember doing choo-choo trains around the living room floor.  We even got the older siblings in on the act.  Time was also spent tackling obstacles which were painful physically for her and emotionally for us. 

Just like with any type of physical training, there is some amount of muscle stress and pain involved.  Lily would cry quite a bit during these sessions and so did I.  It is very frustrating having to force your child to approach tasks that hurt her, but also strengthen her.  And there were many times that I just wanted to quite, but quiting is not an option for us. 

To keep going I often reminded myself of Jeremiah 29:11: " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Even though I could not understand it at the time, I knew that from this pain would come great rejoicing because this was part of the plan.  Sweetest Lily has things to do here for the Lord and her story is meant to encourage others. The best way for her to be a true witness of the healing power of prayer is for her to do everything the doctors said she would not.  

When my other two children were small, I complained about the messes they made and the things they would get into and how they never would stay still.  And I often hear others complain about the perils of parenthood in the same manner.  "My house is never clean because of my kids," or "Where did that kid go now?  I am always chasing after him," are common gripes.  I have changed my view of parenting complaints.  Instead I think to myself, "What a wonderful blessing to chase after Lily Pad down the hall!" and "Look what Lily Pad has dragged out now! Isn't it wonderful?"  I GET to "complain" about the mess she makes and the fact she plays with the door stoppers and is pulling at the curtains and attempting to climb up the stairs.  These small messes are what I appreciate now because they were never promised to me.   

This was FOR me.

Coping daily with Infant Stoke...

Over the past few weeks, our pastor has been preaching a new series called I Want to Change.  So, last week he illustrated how it feels to be bogged down in your "baggage", how certain circumstances can weigh you down, by calling forward to the stage a rather tall, muscular young man.  The pastor then jumped onto the man's back.  At first we started laughing at his attempt to dramatize his message. But then the figurative weight of what he was literally doing shook my heart. 

As soon as Lily's devastating diagnosis was given to me, a large boulder was placed on my chest and I felt as though crushed under its weight.  I have never experienced such a feeling in my whole life.  And not only did the tonnage of the news pull me down, it also hovered in the air, choked the life out of my lungs, clouded the thoughts in my mind, and incapacitated me with fear.  It is hard to describe, but suddenly I was a small child crouched in a corner and ominously closing in on me was a ferocious beast, one bent on ripping me apart.  This is how the news of the diagnosis settled into my life.  And I it took away my ability to function.  It was a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  I shut down.  And this was not depression in that I felt hopeless about life.  This was different.  This choked and suffocated and blinded and hurt.

When the pastor jumped on that man's back, I immediately felt the suffocation I had felt during those dark days shortly after Lily's diagnosis was delivered.  I began crying.  It was a horrible memory for me to relive, but it was necessary because the Lord showed me that this whole situation was not about me and how I felt.  This was about Him.  He did not do this to me, but for me, to change me and to change others.  God specifically planned for this to happen to Lily so she could be a testament to His glory, prove that man does not know everything, and provide encouragement to His people. 

Periodically, I experience the blinding hurt of those days.  But it's ok.  It's over now and God has His testimony and His glory.  And the best part is that it is not over. He has more work to do and I know Lily is going to help Him!

Poem about Perspective

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by

Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

 c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

Lily Pad's Place: Research

Lily Pad's Place: Research: I have been doing much research on Neonatal Stroke, causes, and prognosis. From the scholarly articles and studies I have read, the followi...

Is there something wrong with me???

So, I must be honest here.  When I found out we were expecting baby #3 I wasn't exactly thrilled.  Shortly before I found out I was pregnant, life had become predictable, safe, and routine, all things I adore.  Lorelei and Lucas were old enough that they didn’t need me to feed them and soothe them every minute of the day.  Diaper duty was done and baby food was over.  The idea of starting over with a new baby truly frightened me.  For many years I had struggled with anxiety and child-rearing brought out my worst fears.  Fears of sleep deprivation, potentially fussy baby, and lack of predictable routine crept into my mind and choked out the happiness I shared with my husband and two children.  But so far I had learned to cope and manage my anxiety and life being utterly “normal” helped.  This new pregnancy, though, certainly began testing my coping skills from the very beginning.  I dreaded starting over, disrupting my life, tangling my plans, and up-heaving my household.  Tears of worry flooded my eyes and anxiety strangled my heart.  I was an old dog of thirty-five and I did not want to learn any new tricks. 

Over the next several days I spent a great deal of time hashing out my worries with my friends, my family, and my husband.  Talking about my fears helped me cope and I soon realized that the fearfulness I felt in my heart was shared by my girlfriends who had faced a similar situation.  The third “surprise” baby is common in a military town where large families of three or more children were commonplace.  Mothers with multiple children often commented how two-kid moms, rare in our town, had it so "easy".

     

Unfortunately my anxiety and fear did not go away.  It attacked my heart and mind, completely consuming my thoughts and emotions.  And, to be honest, it scared me greatly.  What kind of woman is frightened of her unborn child?  Is this not the mark of a bad mother?   Guilt plagued me because I literally could not get happy about having baby three.  I was certain something must be wrong with me.  Did other women feel this way? Is this normal?  What do I do about this? My husband continued to encourage me daily, assuring me that all would be fine; it was just another special blessing God had given to us.  He and I were good parents.  Lorelei and Lucas turned out great and they were wonderful babies and Bo was confident Baby Three would be the same.  Still the anxiety and fear stayed with me throughout my pregnancy.  I slept little and smiled even less.

The guilt at not feeling happiness in my new pregnancy was demoralizing and it only fueled the vicious cycle of anxiety.  Still, prayer and thanksgiving became part of my daily lexicon.  Daily devotions were often used to calm my restless spirit and my emotions.  Spending quite time in the presence of God allowed me to focus on the blessings in my life instead of the future worries I harbored; worries about circumstances I could not control or predict.  How foolish we can be when we consider all that God has given us! People spend time worrying instead of living in the comfort and security of God’s embrace and loving will for our lives.