Is there something wrong with me???

So, I must be honest here.  When I found out we were expecting baby #3 I wasn't exactly thrilled.  Shortly before I found out I was pregnant, life had become predictable, safe, and routine, all things I adore.  Lorelei and Lucas were old enough that they didn’t need me to feed them and soothe them every minute of the day.  Diaper duty was done and baby food was over.  The idea of starting over with a new baby truly frightened me.  For many years I had struggled with anxiety and child-rearing brought out my worst fears.  Fears of sleep deprivation, potentially fussy baby, and lack of predictable routine crept into my mind and choked out the happiness I shared with my husband and two children.  But so far I had learned to cope and manage my anxiety and life being utterly “normal” helped.  This new pregnancy, though, certainly began testing my coping skills from the very beginning.  I dreaded starting over, disrupting my life, tangling my plans, and up-heaving my household.  Tears of worry flooded my eyes and anxiety strangled my heart.  I was an old dog of thirty-five and I did not want to learn any new tricks. 

Over the next several days I spent a great deal of time hashing out my worries with my friends, my family, and my husband.  Talking about my fears helped me cope and I soon realized that the fearfulness I felt in my heart was shared by my girlfriends who had faced a similar situation.  The third “surprise” baby is common in a military town where large families of three or more children were commonplace.  Mothers with multiple children often commented how two-kid moms, rare in our town, had it so "easy".

     

Unfortunately my anxiety and fear did not go away.  It attacked my heart and mind, completely consuming my thoughts and emotions.  And, to be honest, it scared me greatly.  What kind of woman is frightened of her unborn child?  Is this not the mark of a bad mother?   Guilt plagued me because I literally could not get happy about having baby three.  I was certain something must be wrong with me.  Did other women feel this way? Is this normal?  What do I do about this? My husband continued to encourage me daily, assuring me that all would be fine; it was just another special blessing God had given to us.  He and I were good parents.  Lorelei and Lucas turned out great and they were wonderful babies and Bo was confident Baby Three would be the same.  Still the anxiety and fear stayed with me throughout my pregnancy.  I slept little and smiled even less.

The guilt at not feeling happiness in my new pregnancy was demoralizing and it only fueled the vicious cycle of anxiety.  Still, prayer and thanksgiving became part of my daily lexicon.  Daily devotions were often used to calm my restless spirit and my emotions.  Spending quite time in the presence of God allowed me to focus on the blessings in my life instead of the future worries I harbored; worries about circumstances I could not control or predict.  How foolish we can be when we consider all that God has given us! People spend time worrying instead of living in the comfort and security of God’s embrace and loving will for our lives.