Coping daily with Infant Stoke...
Over the past few weeks, our pastor has been preaching a new series called I Want to Change. So, last week he illustrated how it feels to be bogged down in your "baggage", how certain circumstances can weigh you down, by calling forward to the stage a rather tall, muscular young man. The pastor then jumped onto the man's back. At first we started laughing at his attempt to dramatize his message. But then the figurative weight of what he was literally doing shook my heart.As soon as Lily's devastating diagnosis was given to me, a large boulder was placed on my chest and I felt as though crushed under its weight. I have never experienced such a feeling in my whole life. And not only did the tonnage of the news pull me down, it also hovered in the air, choked the life out of my lungs, clouded the thoughts in my mind, and incapacitated me with fear. It is hard to describe, but suddenly I was a small child crouched in a corner and ominously closing in on me was a ferocious beast, one bent on ripping me apart. This is how the news of the diagnosis settled into my life. And I it took away my ability to function. It was a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other. I shut down. And this was not depression in that I felt hopeless about life. This was different. This choked and suffocated and blinded and hurt.
When the pastor jumped on that man's back, I immediately felt the suffocation I had felt during those dark days shortly after Lily's diagnosis was delivered. I began crying. It was a horrible memory for me to relive, but it was necessary because the Lord showed me that this whole situation was not about me and how I felt. This was about Him. He did not do this to me, but for me, to change me and to change others. God specifically planned for this to happen to Lily so she could be a testament to His glory, prove that man does not know everything, and provide encouragement to His people.
Periodically, I experience the blinding hurt of those days. But it's ok. It's over now and God has His testimony and His glory. And the best part is that it is not over. He has more work to do and I know Lily is going to help Him!
Not many people can relate down to the details of what you wrote, Joy. I feel like I can. I hear what you're saying and it takes me back to when I thought I was losing Aidan. I became that same child, I was faced with a similar beast. Why were they trying to take my and my husband's happiness away from us after all we'd been through to get to that place???
ReplyDeleteI became a different person for the next 6weeks leading up to his (early) birth. I don't know who I was but laughter was how I'd cope. Not joking laughter, but a laughter to hide the tears I wanted to shed every day. Laughing with the paramedics that showed up at my house not once, but twice (all the same people). My mother told me later I was in shock and she could see her little girl had a shield up to protect herself in the event of the worse.
But we made it through. Not just you and me or you, me, Aidan, and Lily...but all of our families. God gave us a gift and knew we could handle it.
I admire you for talking about how things happened with you. I admire you for really researching it and wanting to learn more. I think more people should be open about their experiences. I think it not only helps themselves but it's first-hand knowledge for others to learn from.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop having periodical flashbacks to those days. I am praying that reality of them fades with time. And it is extremely difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced this kind of pain. My prayer is that other parents will find comfort in knowing that their emotions are not unusual, hateful, ungrateful, or unBiblical. If we could all react perfectly to every situation we wouldn't need Jesus. But we do need him and learning to trust His plan and timing is something I will learn as He changes and remakes me.
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